Letter to my dad

Dear Dad, 

You robbed my mom of witnessing my first steps, my first words, basically my first everything, but most importantly, you robbed me of a normal childhood. Because of you, I'll never know what it's like to have had a dad that could give me unconditional love once I passed the age of ten. We used to be so close, but growing older only tore us apart. I'll never know why you stopped loving me as I got older. It's not something I could ever control. So why take it out on me? No amount of materialistic things could ever make up for the love you failed to give me. But, I am thankful for you, in a way. You are one of the critical elements of who I am today. Your lack of presence in my life unlocked my maturity and independence at such a young age and benefits me today. You molded me into being an observer without even realizing it. I observed the kids get a dad that I had needed my entire life, and that broke me into a million tiny pieces of a puzzle that could never be put back together. And that's exactly what trying to build a relationship with you felt like–trying to put back a puzzle that had been broken into a million tiny pieces. I made my first observation at the age of eleven: you wanted to be a dad, just not mine. I could never say any of this to your face because even though you damaged and hurt me beyond repair for some fucked up reason, I still love you, and I still care. I shouldn’t care but I do because you're my dad. So yes, I cared each time you’d light something in the car, the smoke you’d consume in your lungs, the months I would go with no sign of you, and how your mood would change from just one phone call. I’ve now come to realize that even after everything you put me through I still loved and needed you more than you could ever love or need me. Watching you pay attention to every other child besides me helped with my second observation, this one is about me. My younger self craved for a bond just like the ones you’d have with others. I craved to be able to cry to you about the stupid boys and girls in my love life, I craved to have you praise my performance in school or any other hobby I’ve done, most of all I craved to be the child that you looked excited to see simply because I never got to experience that. Maybe in another universe you were more emotionally present and viewed me as a top priority but in that universe I don’t think I could be who I am now. In another universe we could’ve done things differently but I still wouldn’t be me. The person I am today is complicated, stubborn, and often views herself as unworthy but she's also bright, humorous, caring, and creative. I hope that one day you’ll allow yourself to give that side of me a chance but your narcissism would just view it as complete utter bullshit. In reality I hear from you once every two or three weeks. Instead of me crying to you about the boys and girls that broke my heart, I'm crying to them about how you were the first man to break my heart, and to consistently disappoint me at the age of ten. I’m glad you were the first along with being the most painful. It made me stronger and prepared me for your negative comments and opinions on what I do and turned your narcissistic toxic ways into a normal thing for me. I decided to write this to you because I finally made another observation, I’m not the problem. You are. And I hope you can realize the same and change your behaviors into ones that will benefit those around you and not just yourself. I want what’s best for you because I love you unconditionally rather than conditionally. Maybe there’s a universe where that's vice versa too. 


Juliana Da Cruz..