Mikhaela,
Words could not properly express how much I loved you and appreciated the friendship we once shared. It was one of the only things from that time in my life that I actively miss and wish continued into my college life. Being able to consider myself your friend and one of your mentor figures was, and always will be, a way in which I was incredibly blessed.
Very often, I found myself re-reading your final messages to me, wondering where it all went wrong. Desperately questioning what it was I did to drive you away. Each time I landed on a different conclusion. Sometimes I worry that I made you uncomfortable from the second I first spoke to you in Model UN, and sometimes I believe I did nothing wrong at all, and that you had some other masterplan independent of me.
I can’t blame you for prioritizing your mental health and wanting to look to the future, rather than the past. But I can’t help but feel awful, thinking to myself that I could’ve done more to be a positive influence in your life that you would have wanted to keep around regardless. It leaves me feeling that everything we had was for nothing. Did we really have any sort of special friendship if you were willing to cut me loose like that? Sometimes I don’t know. And then, sometimes, I take a look at all the messages we sent together during late nights, giving advice and making each other feel better while telling each other how much we appreciated and loved each other, and my heart starts to rip itself apart again.
People may say it’s not healthy, and it isn’t. But I still find myself wishing for our friendship back, and tearing up when the reality hits home that it may never be that way again. You once wished I could find a friend that treated me better than you could, but sadly, I’m not sure I can say that I have. And that makes me sad. The closest there is, is my friend Miles. And while I love the man, he hasn’t known me as long as I knew you.
A part of me worries that I’ll always miss our connection to some degree. That even when I’m a college graduate, sitting there listening to pomp and circumstance over the loudspeakers for the 16th different time, you’ll still find a way to pop into my thoughts.
I also just want to say congratulations for getting into university. You always were a smart kid, and I’m happy that you’re going to be pursuing something you love. To my colleague Lily who’s also at the same school: Please, look out for her. She deserves it.
With love, always,
Tom